Sincerest of Apologies

I feel like a terrible person.

No joke, there were 3 pregnancy announcements today.  A couple on WordPress and one where I work (thankfully, not a co-worker, but a patient).  While I am mostly happy for these people, I am sad for myself.

Pity is gross.  Who wants pity?  No one.  I try not to pity people, and I am the first person to spit out the words “I don’t need – or WANT – your pity!” (said a few times to my husband, even).  However, I sit here feeling like I am pitying myself.  What a weird and twisted web that is!

I cannot keep reading about people getting pregnant.  I feel like I am holding up a measuring stick to these people!  And as one blogger gets pregnant after another, I am left sad and empty.  It’s not fair to me.  And it’s not fair to them.  Women who conceive should be allowed to be happy!  I don’t want to rain on that parade.  So from this point forward, please feel free to “unfollow” me once you’re pregnant.  No offence will be taken.  I really, really don’t want to be bitching about how mad and angry I am that I can’t get pregnant and all the while it’s making you upset and/or irritated and/or guilty.

In turn, I am really sorry if I unfollow your blog once you announce that you’ve been able to conceive.  I really am happy for you, but it’s too hard for me to read your hourly, daily, weekly updates on how great everything is.  I hope that the pregnancy goes well, that everyone is happy, healthy, and safe.  I also hope that it doesn’t offend you if you find I’ve stopped following your posts.  Please note that I will creep your blog every once in a while to check on how things are going!

This happens in “real life” as well.  I am so paranoid when a friend calls out of the blue.  I am completely convinced they’re calling to tell us that they’re going to have a baby.  I have come to the conclusion that a couple that we’re friends with are going to start trying for kids soon since they just came back from Vegas.  I have managed to conclude in my mind that this was their last hoorah for a while and now it’s gonna be baby time.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

A patient came to the pharmacy today with his baby.  She is a few months old and quite active and happy!  The entire time they were in the store, Little Miss kept smiling and giggling at me, constantly saying “HI!”.  When I tried to get back to work, she’s start getting louder and louder with “HI HI HI HI HI!!”.  She was adorable.  And all I could do was hope that I would get to have my own one of these days.

beanie

4 thoughts on “Sincerest of Apologies

  1. Nothing is wrong with you. We’ve been there. I will not be offended if you stop following me. I get it. I struggled for 8 years to get pregnant. I’ve known for a day and already have issues and may lose it. I get it. I will not unfollow you. I will still send you love. And I will never mention being pregnant in my comments again. Hang in there girl. I have faith that your day will come soon.

    1. Jesse – You have no idea how thoughtful and appreciated your words are. I had so many emotions yesterday and in the end didn’t even feel like I was allowed to feel upset by the announcements. I figure we all have good days and bad, and right now I just seem to be in a bad place for a little longer than I’m used to. Thank you SO MUCH for understanding the crazy that is moi.

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