I just got out of the shower. I sat and watched movies all day long. I ate a lot of food. It’s now 5:40PM and the only reason I showered was because Cody is going to be home soon.
My skin is bright red. Some of the redness comes from crying a teensy bit… most of it was from the temperature of the water. *While in the shower, I kept turning the hot water up. I wanted to see just how much I could take – but did it without even thinking about it, really. When it got to the point of being super hot but not exactly scalding, I suddenly started to think about what I was doing and why. It’s simple, really. I wanted to not feel numb anymore today.
**I texted Cody to tell him about the negative test. I explained that we could all just stop wondering already – I failed again, and basically just pissed out $4000 worth of medications and tests… in 28-ish days. Cody asked me how I could feel like a failure when we’re faced with legitimate medical issues that we’re not in control of. He told me that I shouldn’t feel that way and, most importantly, he does not see me as a failure.
Nice words? Yes. Realistic? No.
So why do I feel a failure? After all, he’s right. I have PCOS. I have Type 2 Diabetes. There’s a bunch of other reasons contributing to my inability to get pregnant.
Well, folks. Let me clarify WHY I feel like a failure.
- Every time I tell Cody I’m not pregnant, he’s disappointed.
- Every time I see my in-laws, they look at my stomach. Then they eagerly perk their ears up anytime I open my mouth, no doubt hoping for a “Guess whaaaaat!?” pregnancy announcement.
- Every time I talk to my own parents, I am asked how things are going. I then have to broach the subject and lead in with a “Well, it didn’t work again, but…..”
- Every couple of weeks, my best friend checks in with me about what part of my cycle I’m in, what medications I’m taking, what procedures we’re going through, and how I’m feeling. I’m then obligated to tell her that, again, the stuff didn’t work.
- Every time I walk into the fertility clinic on CD3 I am bombarded with sad faces. Everyone feels so sad that it didn’t work. Everyone questions why it didn’t work. Everyone tells me that this is going to be the cycle that DOES work. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
- Every time I check my WordPress reader feed, someone tells me that their protocol worked. So when I read that people were using Femara and Timed Intercourse and were successful, I thought I would be too. But I wasn’t. Then I read that a few people only needed 1 or 2 IUI’s and they were successful. So when mine didn’t work, it meant that something is wrong with me.
- Every time I walk into a mall, or catch a train, or go grocery shopping, I see beautiful pregnant women. I don’t know their stories or their struggles – but I know they were able to make it work. And I can’t.
- Every time I turn on the TV (no joke), something about pregnancy comes up. All types of media remind me that pregnancy is easy and normal for the majority of the population. Too bad I’m not the majority.
That’s a pretty long list of reasons to feel like a failure. They’re real reasons. They might not make sense to everyone, but they’re my reasons.
And maybe now you understand.
* I do not suggest doing this. It is not exactly a healthy coping strategy.
** I don’t recommend delivering any type of “news” via text message. But hey – I do it. So who am I to judge?