Hate is Such a Strong (and Applicable) Word

I hate fertility treatments.  All of them.

Round 1 – 8:  Timed Intercourse with Femara, Ovidrel, and Progesterone Suppositories

a) Timed Intercourse:  Best way to make a couple fight.  I hate being told what to do.  I apparently hate being told when to have sex with my husband even more.  When is the “right time”?  Is one position more “baby-making-friendly” over another?  Can I stand up right after?  Hate.

b) Femara:  I suck at taking medications on time.  I’m used to taking meds when I’m eating – which is different day to day.  Femara worked well for me, but I always forgot to take at least one tablet at the right time.  Also, I hated that they cost $70 for 3 days…. how naive of me.

c)  Ovidrel:  Needle in the belly – double hate.  And for $95 bucks!  Again, the naivety is sad.  And missed.

d)  Progesterone:  Suppositories.  Never fun.  Everyone hates them.  “Use a panty liner,” they said.  Lies.  All f-ing lies.  They are gross and annoying as hell.  And expensive – more expensive than anything else by this point:  $256 for 36 suppositories.

Round 9:  IUI with Bravelle, Ovidrel, and Progesterone Suppositories

a)  IUI Numero Uno:  Not as bad as I thought it would be.  Awkward, at best.  My husband was told that he “washes well”.  14 million swimmers on IUI Day 1; 36 million swimmers on IUI Day 2.  There was a slight pinch at one point and a comment that my cervix needed to be flipped up slightly, but it was bearable.  The fact that I need the IUI is what I hate.  Oh, and the $750 it costs to have it done.  Yeah, I hate that too.  And it failed.  So what can I say.

b)  Bravelle:  hate.  Hate.  HATE.  I feel like a crazy person on these injectables.  I’m not kidding.  My first day on them I went from yelling, to crying, to laughing because I was crying.  I hate the person I become on these medications.  I’m mean or depressed.  I fantasize punching certain people in the face.  Oh, and when I’m driving?  That’s a whole other nightmare.  I was being such a bitch while driving home after my appointment yesterday that a car opted to move a lane over so I wasn’t behind them giving the finger anymore.  At $85 a vial, it’s just another reason to dislike this shit.  And it means a needle to the stomach every morning for multiple days on end.

c)  Ovidrel:  Still hate.  It is, afterall, a needle to the stomach.  I don’t mind the cost so much anymore, but it’s still not my favorite thing.

d)  Progesterone:  Also still hate.  That will never go away.

Round 10:  IUI with Bravelle, Lupron, Ovidrel, and Progesterone Suppositories

a)  IUI:  Yet to come.  I’m sure it will still be awkward.

b)  Bravelle WITH Lupron:  And here is where I go into another rant about this terrible stuff.  I don’t respond well to this, apparently.  Last month we “ramped up”… which means I started out on a low dose, wasn’t doing so good so we went up a bit.  By the end I was still doing pretty shitty and not progressing so we amped it almost all the way up and I finally had 2 follicles that were “good enough”.  This time, we started out on almost a max dose and we’re going to “ramp down”.  4 days later I go back to see what progress I’ve made and there’s, well, none.  So I continue on this max dose until Friday.  Lets see… that’s $85/vial at 3 vials/day for 6 days (so far) and that’s:  $1530.  That comes out to $255 a day… for medication that doesn’t really seem to work all that well.  Oh but wait!  We also added Lupron in.  I think it was $250 for a kit that lasts 14 days, so it’s not that big of a deal.  What is a big deal, however, is that it makes the injections HURT.  Like a lot.  They weren’t comfortable before, but they burn like a bitch now.  They BURN.  And it’s early! And it’s making me INSANE!

c)  Ovidrel:  Yet to come.

d)  Progesterone:  Yet to come.

So basically, I’m over it.  I hate all this stuff.  I hate the costs involved.  I don’t see good responses and it just ends up pissing me off.  I am so serious when I say that I’ve ranted for the last 24 hours.  I’ve just been in a bad mood.  I haven’t yelled at my husband…. I haven’t done anything overly terrible (with the exception of my driving yesterday).  But I’m just upset.  Everything is getting to me.  I’m walking around in a bad mood and everyone knows it – they just don’t know the cause.. and are probably afraid to ask.

My in-laws were over on Saturday and an offhanded comment was made… it went kinda like this:

“Something-useless something-useless something useless, since Cody and Beanie aren’t going to give me any grandkids something-useless something-useless.”

It took everything in my power not to pull out our receipts from the clinic and show them how much (financially) we’re putting into this.  I wanted to show them that it’s not a matter of just not using condoms anymore and waiting 2 weeks for a period.  I’m sorry if I’m not having baby #3 at the age of 30.  And while I’m thinking all of this stuff – at rapid-fire speed, I might add – I’m doing my best not to shoot daggers with my eyes and at the exact same time trying not to bawl.  They left after a wonderfully short visit, I was happy, and life went on.  But when I went to the clinic yesterday and found out that my follicles are still pretty much dormant, that comment from my father-in-law came back and started to hurt all over.

And while I’m complaining about being mad, sad, depressed, bitchy, yadda yadda yadda, I realize I can add whiny to that list.

I’m sorry.


PS:  I’m not entirely positive on what exactly is making me bloat up like a balloon, but it can f-ck off.  I hate it too.

4 thoughts on “Hate is Such a Strong (and Applicable) Word

  1. I am sorry for all of this. I know there isn’t anything anyone can say but my thoughts and prayers are with you. I cannot believe the insensitivity of some people, especially family members. 😦
    {{Big hugs}}

    1. You’re right. When you’re upset, you’re just upset. Nothing anyone says or does today (or the day that I wrote that post, I’m sure) that would change my mood around. Somehow, though, we manage to push through and cope. Here’s hoping, anyway.

      Hope you’re doing well, miss J! xo

  2. I give you props for trying all of the alternatives. My husband and I have just been trying naturally for 4 years. He is upset with me that I refuse to try any other methods but for all the reasons you listed above I can’t bring myself to do it. And it sounds like my mother in law and your in laws could be best friends, really how insensitive can you be. I wish you the best of luck while you are traveling down this super emotional and overwhelming road!

    1. Oh believe me, this is anything but easy. And it just isn’t for everyone. I understand where your husband is coming from, but I also understand how you feel too. So many cycles have come and gone where I’ve wanted to quit it all and my husband pushed helped me to move on to the next. I wish you and your husband all the best! And that your MIL comes back down to reality (with my in-laws) and treats you better.

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